I am stuck. Does it get easier?

I am stuck. Does it get easier?
No... Yes, it gets easier.
Oh yeah? look at you.
Thanks.
The more you know who you are, then what you want, the less you let things upset you.

I just don't know what I am suppose to be.
Should I be a writer but I hate what I write.
I think of taking pictures, they are just mediocre.

You will figure that out. I am not worry about you. Keep writing.

(Lost In Translation)

When death visits

You don't know when death will take you this day.
Yes, since you don't know, don't bother yourself with it.

(CSI Miami)

Prayer Made Perfect

Prayer is made perfect
when the timeless is discovered

The timeless is discovered
through clarity of perception

Perception is made clear
when it is disengaged
from perceptions and
from all considerations
of personal loss or gain.

Then the miraculous is seen, and the heart is filled with wonder.


Eccl 3:11
God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Spiritual Direction given to Magdalene of Canossa

A Spiritual Director has no right to determine his penitent's choice one way or the other. He may advice her for one rather than the other, but only according to the sentiments he detects in a heart that is moved by grace and by the Lord's Spirit.

Therefore, I say question your heart.
I suggest you put it to test by trying to desire to accept this match. Then listen carefully to what it has to say and where it inclines, where you experience peace.

Watch if it persists in a steady and generous refusal of that state, see what its motivations are, whether they spring from the senses or from a desire to serve according to God's providential plan.

What I wish though is that you listen to your heart, because I am quite sure that He is holding it in His hands.
That is why I can tell you to attach great importance to your inclination. Whether it be for one or the other state.

+++++
Unable to see clearly in Magdalene's vocation, the priest is trying to bide his time. He is sure only of one thing, namely, that she is not called to strict cloister.
In his opinion, her insistence to become "the discalced of the Lord" is just a natural inclination, more a search of self-satisfaction than a desire to please God.

He was convinced that Magdalene's indulgence in such thoughts was in itself dangerous, since it would only serve to distract her from God's plan for her.
"Be careful lest this thought prevent you from making good use of your time, and divide your heart, making it unwillingly to spend itself wholly and always for God."

++++
O my daughter, the more the Lord gives Himself to you, the more you think you are divided from Him.
He is, however, by no means displeased with you, though, to be true, he has good reasons to somewhat hurt by your lack of trust and by your timidity.

If God grants you faith in my humble opinion, believe me wheh I assure you that you are making good progress, and that God dwells in you.

Courage, my daughter, your heart belongs wholly to Him.

Prayer of Surrender

I surrender myself to you, Lord and ask:
Put an end to my restlessness.

I give you my will.
I don't not believe any longer that I can answer myself: what I am doing and what is happening through me. Lead me and show me your will.

I give you my thoughts.
I do not believe any longer that I am so intelligent that I can understand myself: my whole life or other people. Teach me to think your thoughts.

I give you my plans.
I do not believe any longer that my life finds meaning in what I reach through my plans. I entrust myself to your plan for you know me.

My anxiety about others I give to you. I do not believe any longer with my anxiety I can improve anything. That reminds with you. Why should I be anxious?

My anxiety about the power of others I give to you.
You were powerless before the mighty. The mighty have fallen, you live.

My fears of my own failures I give to you.
I don't have to be a successful person if I wish to be blessed according to your will.

All insoluble questions, all discontent within myself, all my cramped hope, I give to you.
I give up running into locked doors and wait for you. You will open them.

I give you myself. I belong to you Lord.
You love me. You have me in your hand.
I thank You.

I want to believe, help me overcome my unbelief

Jesus asked Peter "Why do you doubt?"

I assumed Peter himself did not know why he doubted at the moment, when the winds started to blow and the waves got stronger.

Many of us will echo what the father whose son was suffering from epilepsy was pleading "I want to believe, help me overcome my unbelief!"

Often, we can have faith on behalf of another person as it is distant, it is not us, we can apply the universal principle of faith of the God in the Bible we know.
I guess for Peter it is because his pant is on fire, he is the one standing on the water.
But when it is our backyard on fire, I guess we will share the plea of the man above.

Assurance and Truth

John 8:45 Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me!

We want assurance not truth.

But it is only in the truth we can find assurance.

O Come O Come Emmanuel

As we “climax” towards 25 Dec, do have a moment to remember and rejoice.

“Still we have to keep speaking about Christ, the Anointed One, Jesus, he will save us from our sins, Emmanuel, God with us, as we keep speaking about Christmas. If we do not, our celebrations easily lose their depth. And then instead of being essential to our spiritual life, they become pious ornaments of a moral respectable existence.”

(Reused and reworded "Reaching Out" by Henri Nouwen.)

+++
Though Advent (literally "arrival") has been observed for centuries as a time to contemplate Christ's birth, most people today acknowledge it only with a blank look. For the vast majority of us, December flies by in a flurry of activities, and what is called "the holiday season" turns out to be the most stressful time of the year. We want to sense the deeper meanings of the season but grasp at them in vain; and in the end, all the bustle leaves us frustrated and drained.

Even we who do not experience such stress and tensions - who genuinely love Christmas - often miss its point. Content with candles and carols and good food, we bask in the warmth of familiar traditions, in reciprocated acts of kindness, and in feelings of general goodwill. How many of us remember the harsh realities of Christ's first coming: Amid the sparkle and the color and music of the day’s celebration we do well to remember that the entry of God into his own world was almost frightening quiet and heartbreakingly humble. In sober fact there is little romance or beauty in the thought of a young woman looking desperately for a place where she could give birth to her first baby.

How many of us share the longing of the ancient prophets, who awaited the Messiah with such aching intensity that they foresaw his arrival thousands of years before he was born? If the essence of Advent is expectancy, it is also readiness for action: watchfulness for every opening, and willingness to risk everything for freedom and a new beginning. Mary did. So did the shepherds and the wise men of the East. So can each of us, wherever we are. That is why the imagery of nativity scenes is not sufficient to explain the Christmas message. Yes, God came into the feeding trough of an animal. But it was not only as a baby that he lay there. This child was the same man who was crucified and who rose again.

Advent marks something momentous: God's coming into our midst. That coming is not just something that happened in the past. It is a recurring possibility here and now, a yearly opportunity for us to consider the future, second Advent - the promised coming of God's kingdom on earth. Yet I believe that at least once a year we should look steadily at the historic fact, and not at any pretty picture. At the time of this astonishing event only a handful of people knew what had happened.


Adapted from Charles Moore Meaning Of Advent and J. B. Phillips, Dangers Of Advent

Encourage

This word "Encourage" always bothers me. As a cell leader, we are to be an encourager.

En courage - to give courage. So one must have courage to give courage.

What then is courage?
is it strong or soft? is it nice or nasty? is it clear or confusing? is it solid or fluid? is it formed or formless? is it defined or figured out?

From Latin cor, “heart”. cor : (anatomy) heart (figuratively) soul, mind


And where do I find my courage?
From the questions, the awareness. From the books, the music. From being engaged, from being detached. From the moments, the encounters.


So I guess this is the courage I can give.

(2008.12.04)
I awoke with a formless fear from a nap without dreams.
I went to the bench, sat and watched the night.
The dark enfolded the kiosk where cars drifted by.
I bid the kiosk good-night and made a return to my bed.

Year End Note of Appreciation

It is the year end and time when companies will organize occassions to appreciate the staff for the year.

I am due to attend one next week and I am to give a note of appreciation of the staff - together with their bonus, increment (if any) and long service award.
In this current climate, when all things seem to have depreciated in their values, when everyone suffers from depreciation, how to deliver a note of 'appreciation'?

How meaningful is it for them to receive this note of appreciation from me or how meaningful is it for me to deliver it?

Maybe the note should be first delivered by the recipients to themselves. Otherwise, the note may sound strange to them, sound 'like a formality and insincere' or worse, sacarsm.

Do you sense an increase in value in yourself this year or from then to now?

An increase in value, an appreciation
- not from the number of years in services, or staying another year in service
- not from an increase in salary, or a promotion in rank or responsibility
- not from reading more books, giving more talks
- not from KPIs such as church attendance, baptism rate, budget and programme & activities completed.

Nor am I talking about being a better person, a moral person.

If we take away all these, are there still reasons and notes of appreciation that we can affirm ourselves, that others can affirm us and we can affirm others?

This note will need quite a consideration.

Retreat 2008-12

But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights.
From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the LORD his God.
"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

+++
I went on a retreat recently and the passage of Jonah 2:2 was on the table of the room I had “In my distress, I called to the Lord and he answered me.” Since the story of Jonah was last preached at church, somewhat I felt a strong identification of Jonah in the big fish. So when I saw the verse in the room, I “assumed” it was for me for the retreat, as I do feel like Jonah trapped in a vacuum of time and space in the stomach of the fish. So I read the whole chapter and the verse in red seemed to catch on me.

O shit, the Lord is speaking about me. So I 'spent' more "spiritual exercise" efforts on this 'revelation'.
Sorely unsuccessful. Nothing happened. And when friends asked how my retreat was, my only comment was it was too short.

What did I do during the 3D2N?

- I walked aimlessly through the Labyrinth with the verse that "spoke" to me
- I watched the early mist rising over the woods on a dampened seat
- I took a stroll and heard the echoes of flutes bouncing off the walls of the quarry
- I took part in an morning service with Christ hanging from the air and the Priest asking "are you the wise or the foolish builder?"
- I stood beneath the bamboo trees to listen to the leaves rustling before the rain came in
- I walked the neighbourhood and encounterd nobody
- I watched the night enfolding the kiosk, while cars drifted in and out.

Then I awoke with a formless fear from a nap without dreams.
When I thought it has all ended, I remembered my first retreat when Christ said "Come and you will see."